digest, digest
the things in my chest
the weights and the knives and the fear
are equally bound to the love and the cheer
and to those who i hold most dear
the good and the bad
are somehow combined
in a way that is quite obscure
yet the truth pours out, delightfully pure
that hope will always endure
i was pretentious
about the knowledge i'd acquired
and it turns out
i was very unprepared
not intelligently, no no
but emotionally
for who could know
that something so wonderful
could simultaneously bring up
your most sacred fears
i've lost myself in this
this new, this care, this endeavor
i'm consumed with the constantness
the unrelenting demanding effort
and i'm scared
"is this what i want for my life?"
"am i ready to sacrifice everything?"
yes and no.
too much is the grief for my heart
i loved him, i loved her
she left, he passed on
i questioned my strength to continue
"if anyone else leaves me, i will shatter," i said.
"it's too much to bear, this unrelenting sadness."
six deaths in six months
burying him, falling out with her
the sadness never leaves
it only gets fewer and farther between
with time, i'm comforted by my tears
because it means i cared with all my heart
and to have your heart hurt
means your heart fully loved
time will show you it's grace
and you will love again
one day things were different
schedules get all turned about
new patterns of sleep are being formed
change has occurred
and i find myself engaging in
the art of practice
the exercise of discipline
the attitude of flexibility
creating the new normal
is a bumpy road
the weight of changes
casts different shadows you've never seen
and these beautiful images
live on as memories of the past
little hands and little hearts
sit in a circle around me
eyes focused, listening intently
and here i am, their teacher
there's this beautiful contrast
between reality and fantasy
which has not quite been defined
and the in-between is quite sweet
when you have a couple decades
black and white are starkly praised
so these little hands and little hearts
remind me to remain unfazed
swaddled in a hull
lullabies of the sea
swish and rock me to sleep
as the stars dangle overhead
too long have i been on replay
my tune is scratchy and prone to skips
but here there is a new melody
one that sings currents and waves
i feast on new fruits
and mix them with golden rum
letting the sun and salt water
soak into these layers of melanin
i am convinced that this is life for me
goddess of the sun and slave to the sea
i put my hands in the earth
and she provided for me
rivers, mountains, and trees
she gives abundantly
my mother taught me to respect the ocean
and my father taught me to respect the woods
and since i live between land and sea
i bow to them both, equally
and as i thank them, i raise a toast
to the one who deserves the most
who saw the ground, the plants, the food
and said at the end that "this is good."
waking up when it's still quiet outside
the sky hasn't bloomed into bright blue
air so crisp you could bite into it with a crunch
and buds that haven't opened to search for the sun
there is a lull, a small break before feet start to creak and patter
where i am content and warm before the day winds up and passes by
my thoughts can wander and my dreams can slowly come to an end
it's the magical silence before the noise reaches peak in this city life
so i'll wonder a little bit more
i'll expand one moment as long as i can
pushing to describe it
stretching it out until it goes flat
until the moment is sufficiently captured
these are the moments that make life sweet
the ones that you can't live in for very many breathes before it's gone forever
so i'll inhale in slow motion and pretend i can make time slow down
like a little kid that puts his hands over his eyes
and believes that he can't be seen
another and another and another
day passes by
things accomplished
keeping things organized and tidy
preparing meals with my own two hands
setting myself up for an easier tomorrow
giving more than i take
thanking the sun for rising
closing my tired eyes
and letting a contented smile
slowly drift across my lips
i like to look at me through you
try to see what you see in me
because when i look at you
i see my challenger, my leader
my lover and the keeper of all my hopes
you shower me so sweetly
with your thoughtfulness
with your sacrifice
with your wit and your love
you show me curious things
you are my personal encyclopedia
i want to understand the things you love
i want to know how your brain works
you create a sense of purpose for me
you inspire knowledge
you teach me the love of persistence.
you are mine.
and when i look at you,
i see a better version of me.
bright fall the waves
sparkling in the sun rays
you, ever near
the wind that i need
to keep me in the air
free
i can't be tamed
i'm not meant to be domesticated
and yet
you believe
in the magic
that i can take you places
places no one knows
a mysterious narrative
spans years in my story
a mind so elaborate, so complex
every day i work to solve, to understand
but things unfold in their own time
always leaving me wanting more
how can one mind be such an enigma?
how can two so contrary
make the best pairing?
logical rationale eludes me
so i find peace in the truth
that not everything needs an explanation
in the midst of the mystery
my soul finds contentment
he and i have escaped reason
and the more days that come and go
the less often
i can fall asleep alone
hello little green whisps
pushing through to see the light
i've been buried too these months
waiting for signs of warmth
sprouts significantly contribute to new
to ostara, to the beginning of everything
and here I wait, ready to bloom
ready to bask in the early days of sunlight
unafraid of the crisp, the may showers,
because the sphere has shifted
and longer days falls upon us
rise in the early morning, dear daffodils
the sunrise calls to us behind the mountain peaks
the moon rests its head in the beyond
and springtime emerges
beneath the amber stratus
shadows dim the grass under my toes
i pull Wordsworth from my pack
and eat the feast of poetic ecstasy
desires and hope explicitly told
fears and failures written in depth
this is the story that binds us
this is the humanity that resonates within
storytellers, poets, and minstrels
the art that paints every encountered soul
and the meter, the feet, are the beats
the vibrations that survive in us
patterns and melodies that we know
from inside the womb, we listened
we were born into the music of our tribes
we didn't know dance, but there it was
bursting forth from our souls
feet moving on the bones and dust
the earth sings with us in harmony
praising the circle of life
there are these moments when the rain pours
and the sky stays grey for days
that the restlessness in my soul and in my bones
threatens to shake this rock foundation
my quarantined emotions all break loose at once
and the overloaded stimuli fire in all directions
it's time to bunker down
sort, shift, find solutions
ask and answer many questions that no one else will ever hear
the secret life of sensitivity:
empathizing with yourself in the darkness of night
my own self, the live-in therapist, asking the important questions:
why do you feel that way? where does that idea come from?
and in the midst of this heart helping
i'm just waiting for the sun to come and restore the balance
storming out the door and you can't stop me
not because there's fear in my heart
but because there's no denying her call
i must follow the music in her voice
step by step, carefully heeding her call
footsteps quicken, heels barely meeting the ground
i must go, i must give myself to her
my eagerness, my ambition, my fire
she does not demand, she desires
she sees the best and inspires the chase
her name is obscured by most but i know
her as creativity, inspiration, mother
she is as a part of me, as i am her
i know her beck and call is never convenient
but it's always worth it to follow
because i am whole when we are together
my mother, my ethos, my agape
the enthusiasm and passion to which i live
no one understands me like she does
because she is i and i am her
take me to that stony bluff
on the island surrounded by a river
meadows of birch trees and blackberries
where water laps upon the rocky beach
hands stained red with sweet juices
bellies full of berries and summer wine
picking wildflowers and staring at the clouds
fingers entwined as the sun bathes us
you keep my heart steady and soft
like warm breezes sweeping over us
we're kaleidoscope dreamers
spinning reality in circles to suit us
we're everything our dreams can see
we're everything we want to be
days spent on my knees, hands upturned toward the sky
alone after a small eternity
half releasing and half shouting toward the moon
"why have you forsaken me?"
night and day passed, summer into winter into spring
hands never faltering, still upturned waiting
for you to heal my broken heart
and give me strength to rise again
your faithfulness was poured out, like oil on my head
placing the most sacred treasure in my palm
peace like a river, running through my soul
and love which passes all understanding
the faint heartbeat of a new love
impossible to ignore, difficult to satiate
a seed determined to bloom
regardless of unlikely conditions
let the energy simmer, methodical and slow
engaged but patient, watching carefully
ice melts and gives way to dewy mornings
blooming into springtime romance
worried heart, can i take your burdens?
the last few years have been so unfair
you woke up alone one day. he was gone.
and you gracefully picked up the pieces
you didn't ask for these fears
so find my arms and let me hold you
so you can know what it's like
to never let go