even still

prismatic colors twinkle on the floor 

post shower water droplets fall off the tip of my nose

catching the morning sun rays 

and making happy little rainbows all over my walls

my lungs breathing in tiny little particles of joy

because everyday she offers me kindness

a secret soul that i’ve known for my whole life

someone who lived before and after me

who dares me to put on investigative lenses 

to see the world with supernatural vision

so i gaze through and let my imagination free

making up grand stories about the simple things

and I’m just happy to be alive and to be free

to live in a constant state of wonder and amazement

because all i can do, even still, is to keep creating 

beautiful things in this heartbreaking world

a little less alone

soft hums of an organ soothe my mind

little rifts, taps of a snare, horns building 

all the melancholy of a gray downpour

slid into these blues, into these hues

bells twinkle, strings quietly bounce 

and the sparkle returns to my eyes

holy are the sounds that i listen to

transforming are the rhythms of this song

the corners of my lips curve up 

a slight smile as melodies begin

and the wealth of this masterpiece 

showers me with all it’s intricacies 

this singular experience is so much more

than just a few minutes of enjoyment

it is the heartbeat of a culture

a voice that echoes out into the universe

and the amazing thing about this music

this art, this imagination, this creation

is that it resonates within my bones

so i sing and dance along with countless generations

and i feel a little less alone

my footsteps carry weight and courage

my footsteps carry weight and courage

miles through the wilderness 

i am my own oasis In the desert

i drink from the water of my giving soul

divine energizing the divine 

harvesting the truths from the land 

harnessing the natural resources

ascending into rebirth, finding joy

thankful for eternal strength 

mother nature has extended to me 

sweeping me up as her daughter

into the season of abundance

you carry power within you

you carry power within you

the scales lose balance 

and I fall into obsession 

off kilter in your presence 

senses are ripe for your essence

and the nearer you approach

the more acutely I'm aware 

that my defenses are near defeated 

i cannot say no to you

my foe and my friend 

you are demanding of me 

but enduring are your rewards 

you tempt me morning and night

you lure me with your most erotic form

and I'm at war within 

fighting a tremendous foe

i clench my fists, ready to fight you off

mind prepared and ready for your advances 

but then you show up in glory

and I am spell bound in your magic

dear sister

dear sister,

these last years have not been kind to you

outside forces damping your sweet spirit

tempting you to give way to bitterness

paving the way towards anger and defeat

and yet, the light in your heart flickers on

in the middle of chaos, the embers glow

keeping the love in your soul warm

so you are able to smile in the midst of pain

you have questioned the universe and asked,

“what have i done to deserve this?”

only to receive an empty nothingness

silence from her, silence from him, defeat

and as all that was slowly slips out of your grasp

you punch and kick and fight to the death 

tears stream down your cheeks as you realize

that you are the only one fighting for life

they have abandoned you, bastards of the world

leaving you without answers, without reason

as if the vows you promised meant nothing at all 

as if the love you had never even existed 

the darkness has flooded in, daring to destroy you

but you outwit it with the most exquisite weaponry: 

cleverness, intuition, grace and charm

beauty, love, and determined perseverance

this is not where the story ends for you, darling

for i have seen your heart when love burns strong

and if energy exerted attracts like energy

your heart is a force to be reckoned with 

six years

PROLOGUE 

in loving someone, you live and you learn

but above all, you love with every ounce of who you are

how can you love someone if you don't first love yourself? 

take time to heal your wounds, to learn the best and worst of yourself

you are only able to accept and see the truth 

when you have already learned to give yourself grace

celebrate the beauty inside you! 

see yourself for the amazing person you are

gifted with strength, talents, and a unique perspective 

allow your best self to fully awaken and never stifle your passions

for the power that is held in those places is the fiercest thing you have

and your greatest ally during the most difficult times of life

never lose sight of who you are, where you've been, and where you want to go

confidence in yourself is the backbone of all great relationships

for if one does not know himself, how can he know another?

THE NOVEL 

years ago I fell in love with someone I barely knew

and as blinded as we were by the romance

we decided the only logical thing was to exchange vows

the differences couldn't be greater at times

but neither of us would have grown as rapidly 

if we hadn't made the best decision we've ever made 

that day was so simple and beautiful and true

like the last page of a romance novel

and then we realized that we were only a few paragraphs in

the vows that you make seem unbreakable

but as the bliss wears off, you have only one choice 

to honor your vows, or to throw in the towel 

i've never known love like a sacrificial love

but day after day, conflict after conflict 

i stay and he stays because of love

to choose grace and love over resentment 

is the greatest challenge of any relationship 

and the man I found chooses to never run out

years in, I can see the beautiful story we are creating

challenging each other to grow and experience new things

learning to be empathic towards things we don't understand 

my idealist self wants to believe that love, passion, and kindness is automatic

and they exist in everyone all the time, but in reality,

everything enduring blossoms out of selflessness 

that is and has been the hardest thing for me to learn

but I feel lucky because I have the chance to love someone who is logical 

he teaches me everyday that love is a constant attitude and choice 

to gain the results you desire, you need more than just idealistic thoughts 

you need hard work and undying dedication 

and in that sacrifice, the truest and grandest form of love is achieved

EPILOGUE 

she integrated his truths but didn't forget her strengths

her intuition, empathy, and creativity would always guide her

and still, he saw the beauty inside her and loved her all the more

midnight approached and so did she

midnight approached and so did she

hand outstretched, waiting for me to follow

her in a red gown, like a rose caught in the wind

and I, transfixed by her beauty, wavering between dreams and reality

dark stillness faded into movement 

juxtaposed against my frozen bewilderment 

she outstretched her hand towards me

as clouds moved and air danced through her hair

"come," she whispered, so gently that I stopped

and had to remember if she really said anything at all

but as I attempted to recall, I lost consciousness 

falling deep into a dreamless night of sleep

often, my spirit pours out unbridled

often, my spirit pours out unbridled

flooding the streets where I live

but people are used to the water

unfazed by their wet feet and soaked socks

i've caught myself building dams

to withhold the magic within these walls

the wildness of this creature overwhelms 

and even frightens the unprepared 

a quiet whistle echoes into an orchestra 

one rose is an entire embrace of a bouquet

brushing skin has brought you to my bedroom

and oh, the beauty I have seen in this world

there is a tugging of sadness, however 

to know that not all can understand 

nor feel with the fervor I have been bestowed

a sadness of unrequited connectedness 

this gift is not without pain 

my third eye sees all and feels all

which can be too much to bare 

as the pain of this life is often acute

so quietly I bound the best parts of me

withholding with love, sharing with care 

these waters are rising 

and I am the mermaid

precious soul, i see you there

precious soul, I see you there 

hiding in plain sight 

we were bound once, long ago

but unraveled 

as if a kite slipped loose

do you think about what we could've been? 

I admit I have on more than one occasion 

all those times of secrets only we knew

of whispers in the dark 

of futures we made up

and even though we don't talk anymore

i think about you late at night 

and I melt at memories with you

the way you looked at me 

and we both knew

(i wish I could've held on a little more fiercely

to maintain something better than this 

life has its reasons, of course

to swallow us up and pull us apart)

how have you slipped into unfamiliar

after I built a place for you in my heart? 

sometimes I want to talk to you like I used to 

(and avoid the emptiness of your absence)

but I'm relinquished to write poems 

to an old acquaintance

when all I want is to call you my friend

lungs rise and fall

lungs rise and fall, slower with each passing breath

the weight of the physical and emotional parts of me sink into dark space

and I am free

free to cleanse the anxiety

free to let my mind wander

free to hold memories close 

and let nostalgia hold me back

these moments are my garden of eden 

sacred, warm, blissful 

i feel no fear, nothing but

love taking the form of blankets

i close my eyes and you appear

so close that my senses feign reality

your smell, the light in your eyes, the vibrations of your voice

i am entranced once again.

and then the dream takes over

subconscious imagination of projected activities 

walking through city streets

laughing, breathing, talking 

like time never passed, like nothing ever changed 

you, confidant and cool, and I, your equal,

quietly fading into the night

follow me into the darkness

follow me into the darkness

follow me into the sea

there under the waves

i'll protect your identity 

this madness will subside

the world will disappear 

and together, just each other

we can hold each other near

i can't promise you forever 

i can't promise you today 

but suspended here in motion 

our memories will stay

twenty-eight

follow the notes

the breeze

the current

it's the great migration 

a season called growth 

question everything 

give due process to the process

my lens has been renewed 

and all is brand new:

smells and sounds and ideas 

my senses have been overhauled

and all I can do is soak it all in

let the life wash over me

until I'm saturated 

it's been 10 years since I found that rose

under the maple tree down by the river

where I wrote my first poem

where I was truly unspoiled 

change is inevitable and I am no exception 

I've been jaded and heartbroken 

and I've been loved through it all 

and that has made the biggest difference